• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Won't anyone think of poor Mittens?

Written by Danielle Belton
Thursday, 25 March 2010 00:00

While President Obama was making history by signing bills into law and just breathing while being leader of the free world (as always), something horrible was happening to my poor Mittens. And by Mittens, I'm talking Mitt "Mr. Insincerity" Romney. The Romninator. Guy Smiley.

Longtime readers know that I, The Snob, have a soft spot for the swarmy, horrible lying charm of one Mitt Romney. I find his inability to be sincere fascinating. I love how his hair doesn't move. I love how he thinks taking pictures with his sleeves rolled up shows that this multi-millionaire is really just a "regular dude." You know? He sips his lattes out of a paper cup with a sippy cover just like EVERYONE ELSE, y'all. And Mittens always has the most fantastic adventures -- like getting into slap boxing fights with rappers and such. What's NOT to love? (Other than his abysmal approach to politics.)

While to certain establishment Republicans, Mittens is some sort of genetically engineered politibot, destined to return them to victory in 2012 (be still Ann Coulter's shriveled black heart!), the reality is everyone kind of hates Mittens. He's not particularly likable. When he tries to be funny his jokes come off stale and flat. When he tries to be relateable he comes off as distant and privileged. And when he tries to be down with the Negroes it's HILARIOUS, but ... no. It's bad. Just bad. Still, I can't help but feel sorry for Mittens.

First this Scott Brown character shows up and steals all his hot white boy thunder. But Mittens is a team player. He let the new kid on the block open for him at CPAC. It's all good. Mittens was probably checking him out, thinking he'd make a mighty fine running mate. (I'm still pulling for the Mittens/Rick Perry "Good Hair for America" ticket, but he could still run on that same slogan with Brown.) Of course Brown was probably checkin' Mittens out thinking he would probably be pretty easy to just shove out of the way, because that Brown cat is a jukebox hero, he's got stars in his eyes. Pretty Men Politickin' aside, Romney still was the front-runner in the hearts of people who like to vote for people with good Republican, Ronald Reagan-like hair.

Then this stoopid health care thingy got all passed and shit! That's totally ruining Mittens' day! Sure, Mittens has been out there doing his best tea bagger impression, ranting and raving about how this is going to call the fall of civilization and that this bill is a gross abuse of power (voted for by Congress which is elected by the people, but ... whatever). Mittens was Steamin' Willie Beamen over that shizz. Unfortunately, Mittens used to be governor of this state called Massachusetts that has this CRAZY THING called "socialized medicine." And Mittens, you know, kind of supported that shit as it happened WHEN HE WAS GOVERNOR. And, as the folks at Talking Points Memo point out, if the GOP wants to make the health care reform bill a wedge issue in 2012 you can't prop up the dude that was once FOR freakin' government health care!

From TMP:

You may have noticed that Mitt Romney is saying some pretty over-the-top stuff right now about the Health Care Reform law. But cut him a little slack. Unless Health Care Reform is a non-issue by 2012 (which I believe is a distinct possibility), he's got to know that the passage of this bill pretty much ends his chances to be nominated for the presidency.

The reason is pretty simple. The health insurance reform that Romney helped pass and signed while Governor of Massachusetts is very similar to the bill passed by the Democrats. The cost controls aren't the same. And there are some things the federal government can do that a state government can't. But on the big picture, it's pretty much the same thing.

If the Republicans want to make Obama's signature piece of legislation a centerpiece of their 2012 campaign (and it's hard to imagine they won't since what else will they run on?), they can't very well run a candidate who supported and passed close to an identical bill. It's a no-brainer.

Pobre Mittens! Lo siento! Too bad, so sad por vou. Great hair though. Love the hair.

Danielle Belton is a writer and freelancer whose works have appeared in The Huffington Post, The American Prospect and Essence Online. She is the author of the blog: http://blacksnob.com/