• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Tiger Woods is sorry ya'll! Damn! why won't you let him be great?

Written by Danielle Belton
Sunday, 21 February 2010 00:00

So I finally got around to watching Tiger Woods apologize to my dad for not playing golf, forcing him to listen to stories about Phil Mickleson and other things he hates. Because, really, that's who he should be apologizing to -- folks who hate crappy golf. They want to see Tiger be GREAT. This? My pops didn't want to see this!

It was just 10 tons of AWKWARD since the only folks who he should be apologizing to, besides my dad, is the wife Elin, his poor mother who can't show up at Bingo now without folks giving her the side-eye and his sponsors, who seriously, were the ones he hurt the most. Think of the MONEY! The sponsors believed in your ability to make them lots of cash, Tiger. Why you did you have to go and scare them like that? Acting all human with failings and shit?

Aside from that? Dude, what are you apologizing for? I would have respected you more if you'd sauntered up to that podium, kicked it over and said, "Hell's yeah, I'm a billionaire sports nerd who likes to bang skankilicious white women! See you at the Masters, bitches! Tiger, Tiger Woods, Ya'll!" Then walked off, Sammy Sosa, kiss-two-fingers-to-the-sky style. Instead he just looked all stiff and afraid, like he wanted to do that, but COULDN'T because we won't let Tiger be great. FOR SHAME! No. We want Tiger in this perfect little box that he's been sitting in since he was tyke, being Blasian Golf Buddha-Jesus. It's HARD out there for a Buddha-Jesus, ya'll! Especially when you're a Buddha-Jesus golfer who really, really likes to get laid! And really, in the end this is between the wife, the Baker's dozen of "hostesses" he banged, the STDs he may or may not have contracted as a result and the doctor who will doll out the drugs for those STDs. Really.

World? Please let Tiger Woods just be great. Let him be the Nerd Golf George Clooney. Let him just be single and let him just do whatever gross stuff he wants to do with those ladyfriends of his and let me NEVER HEAR ABOUT THEM AGAIN. And let him pimp walk around the golf course all day long blasting LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out" while Phil Mickleson curls up into a fetal position, crying, having flashbacks of Winged Foot while someone plays Mark Jackson in a loop shouting over and over "Mama, there goes that man again!"

But nooooo. Instead I got this. Which is fine. Or whatever. Chunky A did it better.

Danielle Belton is a writer and freelancer whose works have appeared in The Huffington Post, The American Prospect and Essence Online. She is the author of the blog: http://blacksnob.com/