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John Mayer gets mad creeptastical with Playboy magazine

Written by Danielle Belton
Thursday, 11 February 2010 00:00

I get that it's a periodical dedicated to pornography and the proclivities of the heterosexual male. Totally understand that. But what shit was John Mayer ON when he gave this bizarre, narcissistic, misogynic, N-word dropping, TOO-MUCH-INFORMATION Q & A to Playboy?

For those who don't have time to read the whole thing ... here's the Cliff Notes version:

On "entertaining" one self:

I’m a self-soother. The Internet, DVR, Netflix, Twitter—all these things are moments in time throughout your day when you’re able to soothe yourself. We have an autonomy of comfort and pleasure. By the way, pornography? It’s a new synaptic pathway. You wake up in the morning, open a thumbnail page, and it leads to a Pandora’s box of visuals. There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed.

On "self-love:"

PLAYBOY: Masturbation for you is as good as sex?

MAYER: Absolutely, because during sex, I’m just going to run a filmstrip. I’m still masturbating. That’s what you do when you’re 30, 31, 32. This is my problem now: Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the amazing experiences I’ve already had.

PLAYBOY: You’d rather jerk off to an ex-girlfriend than meet someone new?

MAYER: Yeah. What that explains is that I’m more comfortable in my imagination than I am in actual human discovery. The best days of my life are when I’ve dreamed about a sexual encounter with someone I’ve already been with. When that happens, I cannot lay off myself.

On having a "hood pass:"

Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’"

On how he's kind of like a black person -- because he suffers sometimes:

What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

On how his penis feels about black women:

I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

On the attractiveness of black women:

I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.”

On Jessica Simpson:

MAYER: That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.

PLAYBOY: You were addicted to Jessica Simpson?

MAYER: Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm.

PLAYBOY: But before you dated her you thought of yourself as the kind of guy who would never date Jessica Simpson.

MAYER: That’s correct. There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did youever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”

On "whores:"

I feel like women are getting their comeuppance against men now. I hear about man-whores more than I hear about whores. When women are whorish, they’re owning their sexuality. When men are whorish, they’re disgusting beasts. I think they’re paying us back for a double standard that’s lasted for a hundred years.

Some quick observations:

1. Before we get our collective panties in a wad over his penis' disinterest in black women, let's remember that people are attracted to whatever they are attracted to. Mayer's mistake was he phrased it in the most ridiculous, assholey way possible. A lot of people will say, "I only find blah blah blah attractive." But, seriously, to compare your penis to David Duke? David Duke wants to either string me up a tree or send me back to the fields. I didn't know your dick belonged to the Klan. NOT FUNNY. The Klan is NEVER FUNNY. They KILL PEOPLE. So unless John's penis is a murderous racist, that was a case of him trying waaaay to hard to be clever. Just say, "I find some black women attractive, but I've never seriously dated any." HOW HARD IS THAT? But nooooo. You had to inject Dicky McKlansman into the conversation.

2. My GOD, does he hate women. I mean, really. Why would you talk about women in this manner? Again. Perfectly understandable to be all "I luvs da pussy" when talking to a porno mag geared towards straight men, but what was up with going on and on about masturbation and how he actually PREFERS it to sex with a woman? Most men jacking off to Playboy are doing it as a substitute for actual sex with human beings. While I'm sure there are men who prefer masturbation to sex, I'm going to go out on a limb as say those mfers are in the minority. Given a choice between actually getting laid and just staring at a photo of a va-jay-jay, 9-out-of-10 would go for getting laid.

3. Also, what was up with all the yakking about Jessica Simpson and "Privacy Queen" Jennifer Aniston? What happened to NOT kissing/fucking-and-telling? Throughout the interview he talks about the paparazzi and loving Jen so much that he wants to respect her privacy, yet he talks about her throughout the interview?

4. While I realize that there will always be some women who will date Mayer despite this crazy ass, self-love obsessed, questionable interview, don't expect the rest of us to feel sorry for you when he gets all skevy on your ass. He pretty much spells it out in this interview that he's 32 (which is really more like 12) and that he would rather masturbate to a photo of Jessica Simpson in mom jeans that meet your parents. So YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

5. Who gave John Mayer this thing called a "hood pass?" Dave Chappelle? I don't remember us having a vote. It's not like the dude is Robin Thicke or Robert DeNiro. Of course if you HAVE such a thing as any sort of "pass" with black people you would never actually SAY you have a pass. Black people LOVE them some Bobby DeNiro but Bobby DeNiro isn't dropping the N-word in casual-fucking-conversation. Even Justin Timberlake, who is kind of always on this love you/hate you bubble with black people has enough sense not to ever say he's got a pass of any kind no matter how far Timberland is crawled up his ass.

6. If you see Kerry Washington and her crew in the club and they KNIFE YO ASS, don't be surprised. If I was Kerry I would be all kinds of "Get my name out of your mouth, son." And she's "white girl crazy?" What does that even MEAN!

Conclusion: John Mayer had to be high because I read that WHOLE INTERVIEW and he sounded like he was suffering from a severe lack of an internal editor. It's no excuse, but he should probably try it anyway just in case Rev. Al shows up wanting some kind of apology.