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Sarah Palin, I think I love you so what am I so afraid of?

Written by Danielle Belton
Wednesday, 25 November 2009 00:00

Former Republican Veep candidate and John McCain ingrate, Sarah Palin is on her national piss everyone off tour and I have to say, of all the crazy Effie Whites I’ve known, hated and loved, she has to be the most perplexing. But in a good, crazy, batshit insane sort of way.

During the 2008 campaign I was the founding member of the “Sick of Sarah Palin Club” and I was, genuinely, sick of her at the time. I mean, that heifer was ANNOYING with her crazy word salad that was nothing but chunks of tasteless iceberg lettuce, Right Wing Madlibs and bullshit. And how she didn’t even try to deal with the mob of creepy, fringy, scary talk from the folks who came to her rallies to vent their fear of a black president with a “funny” name was dangerous. Will never really forgive her for that here at Snob HQ, but now that she’s not governor of Alaska (QUITTER!) and not a veep candidate, I can finally enjoy her Wasilla trainwreck in all its glory, guilt-free.

And damn, does it feel good.

Little thing about the Snob, I love crazy ambitious women regardless of their political affiliation. Not because they’re principled or they’re doing something for “womanhood.” Hell no. I just enjoy a good rendition of “I Am Telling You I’m Not Going,” no matter who sings it. And Sarah Palin, and all the drama that comes with her, became HIGHLY entertaining the minute she had no real power. I mean, c’mon now. She’s no Glenn Beck. She’s not hatching elaborate money-making cult-like schemes to mobilize wingnuts. Glenn Beck scares the living SHIT out of me because there are people just crazy enough to take his bullshit seriously! Sarah, on the other hand, is lollygagging her way up to the top, getting booed by her own fans at book signings for “quitting on the job!” when she doesn’t feel like signing all their autographs. People, Sarah Palin doesn’t have the discipline to be a Beck or a Gingrich or a Romney or a Huckabee or even a Rush Limbaugh. Even Ann Coulter can get her shit together long enough to rewrite the same “Liburls Are the Devil” book over and over again to get on Hardball and scandalize Chris Matthews one mo ‘gain. This woman can’t even stay for a full book signing. Why is everyone so mad at her? Get some popcorn and enjoy the damn show!

And what a great show it is! It’s got teenage sex and beefcake photos with barely legal Alaskan babydaddies! It rocks Bumpits and speaks in some weird vernacular that I thought died with the Andy Griffith Show! People are writing CRAZY PANTS articles about how Sarah Palin must be down with the Negroes because she’s a grandma who can rock running shorts and a bunch of other stereotypical bullshit about black people.

And I will laugh and laugh and laugh and look at Levi Johnston’s ass cheeks and laugh some more and I will keep having myself a mighty fine time until someone gives her some real power. As long as she’s at a threat level of Orange Alert Rachel Ray, I’m just going to kick up my feet and flip through the Playgirl pictures of Levi Mediaite threw up on their site to some wonky-ass porno music, rock my Bumpits and giggle my ass off. Because I ain’t no ways tired over no Sarah P. I mean, sure, she’ll never hold a place in my satirical heart the way my dear Mittens* does. But she comes a close third to Huckabee!**

*Don’t get me started on how much I love making fun of Mitt Romney. I want to see him in 2012 against Sarah. I want to see him try to control his swarmy, rich boy “I fucking deserve to be here because I have the most toys” ass. I want to watch him, and his perfect hair just be the world’s biggest a-hole because that’s just how a Romney does it! It was the only thing all 8,000 of the Republican candidates for president could agree on! Mitt Romney is a arrogant horse’s ass and he’s pretty and we all hate him! Please, Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, let this happen!

**If politicians could be designed, someone would take Romney’s head and money and give it Huckabee’s charm and humor. But thank God that’ll never happen because that MFer would be dangerous. I mean, Bill Clinton was a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon. We don’t need the Republicans getting some Arkansas sassafras mixed up with some economic braniac with perfect hair. Even Bill Clinton was kinda of funny looking to offset the evil genius. HuckaRomney would eat your young and convince you that it was good for you with a devilishly handsome smile and a funny story about frying up squirrel in a popcorn popper.

Danielle Belton is a writer and freelancer whose works have appeared in The Huffington Post, The American Prospect and Essence Online. She is the author of the blog: http://blacksnob.com/