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How do you apply to become the next Oprah?

Written by Danielle Belton
Monday, 23 November 2009 00:00

So Oprah Winfrey is retiring in 2010 and I feel ... well, meh. I like Oprah on principle. Who can't root for the little black girl who grew up, did good and became Queen of All Media? That's a pretty awesome storyline.

But I wasn't in Oprah's target demographic. I always saw Oprah as something for folks who needed a Best Black Friend Guru to tell them what books to read and what products to buy and how to best dump their horrible husbands and live their "Best Life Possible."

I wasn't looking for some Neon Messiah to lead me to the retail promised land, so I pretty much passed on Oprah all of my child, teen and adult life. But to realize that I don't really know a world without Oprah on television, that people have been born and have grown up knowing nothing but the Mighty O is pretty amazing. I actually have a few pre-Oprah memories. They all involve Phil Donahue and Jerry Springer trying to be Phil Donahue, but there aren't many.

(Goodness, remember when Jerry Springer tried to be relevant? Before it became "Jerry! Jerry!" Springer. Heck. Do you remember when he was a sex scandal plagued Ohio politician? I do! I'm OLDER THAN YOU!!!)

But the real reason why I'm writing this post because I (like everyone from Tyra Banks to *insert generic black female blogger*) would like to know where you can apply to be "Queen of All Media?" Other women have tried to get the position while Oprah was holding down the spot. From Martha Stewart to Rachel "Stop Trying to Sell Me Things" Ray, but no one really had the juice. I'm just saying ... I'm black. I'm a woman. I have isues with my weight and don't mind talking about it publicly. I'm not married (although unlike Oprah, I think I'd like to finally make an honest woman .... I mean, man out of Stedman). I could be Oprah. I guarantee that more women could relate to me than ... say a gorgeous, 90 ft tall Amazonian former supermodel and whatever Wendy Williams is. As my little sister, Baby Snob would say, "I'm as REAL as they come!"

Black girl hair complexes and Obama family obsessions and all!

Do I have to learn how to like all that mysticism crap like "The Secret?" Because I can't lie to save my life. If I think something is shitty, I just say it's shitty or I keep my mouth shut. I don't know how to lie there and fake it ... in more ways than one. (They'll never learn if you just fake it!) Of course, my bluntness could be really refreshing on The Black Snob Show. In my interviews I'd just ask the damn question, all with a big, friendly smile on my face. (Because that's how I do!)

So let's do this! (Whoever decides these things.) I want to get my house in Santa Barbara before they run out of spots!

Danielle Belton is a writer and freelancer whose works have appeared in The Huffington Post, The American Prospect and Essence Online. She is the author of the blog: http://blacksnob.com/